I got Grey Rock wrong but I think my version is WAY better!
Why should we shrink to a Grey Rock when we don’t have to?
Imagine yourself as a grey rock. No. Nope. No thank you. Absolutely no way!
I only recently realised that the ‘Grey Rock’ method involved you thinking of YOURSELF as a grey rock, rather than thinking of the person with the power as one. The theory is that if you are a grey rock, nothing will penetrate you or hurt you, they don’t have power over you because you shrink, go small and colourless, pretend to be disinterested. I got it the wrong way round and I’m so glad I did!
Why? Because why the f should we think of ourselves as grey rocks? Fuck that. I’m not a grey rock and neither is anyone who has left a narcissistic ex, been discarded and abused by them or experienced it ten fold post separation.
We are not grey rocks, we are Sovereign Queens and Kings, (I know this happens to men too). We should wear our rightfully bestowed crowns as proudly as we wear our warrior scars.
We are colourful and wonderful and we deserve to take up space in the world, space that has probably been kept from us our whole lifetimes or at least for too long, taken away by the slow chip, chip, chipping away by the Narc, expertly manipulating us into believing we are nothing but weak and pathetic, reliant on them for everything. Reliant on any kind of warped love they may chose to give us, always with conditions of course be that overtly or covertly. Reliant on them for meaning, for self worth, validation, even money! It can feel that without them, we will be nothing.
Imagining my abuser as a Grey Rock, the vision of them as nothing more important than a stone gave them less power. It lessened the severity of their words and actions and over time they became more of a pebble really. Smooth with no hard edges so I couldn’t be injured by them any more, so they couldn’t do me any more harm. Alone and sad, like a solitary pebble on a sandy beach that easily sinks into the all consuming grains of sand. Grains of sand individually small but not insignificant. Collectively so big and powerful, just like you, your growing self esteem and confidence, surrounded by your cheerleaders who will help you continue to grow through your recovery.
When something else comes up to attack you or to try to knock you off your new found but still relatively unstable perch, it gradually begins to fail! You become stronger, more grounded, more ‘in your body’ and you start to realise that their impact is losing ground.
The pebble becomes so insignificant, eventually you don’t even notice it. No fellow pebbles to make a stack with because the flying monkeys (aka Narc supporters) also lose their power. Just a lone, solitary pebble. Such an accurate metaphor because regardless of who they have around them believing their lies and manipulated truth, they’ll always be alone with what’s inside their head. The bitter, aging string of resentment and even hatred, be that towards me/you, other exes, anyone who’s dared to cross their path, which may be few or many but most of whom don’t have the confidence to stand up and say no, no more. YOU do! So terrified is the narcissist of their actual reality, they will never look at their own feelings. Instead they stuff them so far down and cover them up with layers upon layers of ego, they almost believe it themselves. Muscles are built around the insecurities, both metaphorically speaking and very often practically too. This forms the distraction of the fake caring, considerate, strong persona they put on show. But it really is all lies. Not many people can see it, but I can. You will be able to as well. I chose not to for a while, then when they lost all of their power and became the pebbles they are now, I no longer needed to, because none of it mattered anymore. They just are — rock, pebble, fake, powerless, gone. It doesn’t matter because you learn that you will not change someone like this and you start to feel truly grateful for the lucky escape you’ve had. Even if they’re still trying, you can put their efforts in a box and compartmentalise them for when you can look at them more closely, rather than them affecting you on a continuous hour by hour, day by day basis. You let them go. You become free as a result.
Who wants to carry a big grey rock around? When you need to, a small pebble is much easier, and you won’t want it forever! We can fly once we let go of that weight that has been dragging us down for far, far too long. Throw the pebble away and you will eventually start to fly. Come fly with me!
Grey rocking — it works, it’s flippin great! IF you do it YOUR way.
Want to ‘come fly with me’?!?
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