Happy Valentines Day!
Was it filled with love or another year of sadness and disappointment?
Yesterday was Valentines Day.
When I was single in my teens and early twenties, I used to really struggle with Valentines Day. It felt like that day existed to rub salt into the wounds us single people carried, like an elite club that even when I was married and in a so called happy relationship, never lived up to all the hype and expectations, always leaving me feeling a little sad and let down.
I used to try to convince my now ex-husband to watch our wedding video every Valentines. It was always met with a firm no and if I ever questioned it, I was told I was weird for wanting to. I wasn’t even allowed to have wedding pictures up as he thought that was self-indulgent.
We lost a close friend on Valentines Day 15 years ago who was on the wedding video, so I felt it a fitting tribute to him to watch it together and raise a glass. Maybe my Husband found it too sad but he was always very unemotional and never wanted to do anything unless it was his idea and he was getting something out of it. So I would stay up late on my own every year, both on Valentines Day and again on our anniversary until I just stopped bothering to even try to celebrate it as all my efforts felt so futile.
One of the two photo shoots I organised for us when we had a family, I was in tears beforehand because he was in such a mood about going, moaning about how much money it was going to cost when in fact we weren’t struggling financially at all. I couldn’t look at them without a pang of sadness for years, maybe ever. I saw them on a daily basis as they were up in my kitchen, always being commented and complemented on, but despite that I could see the sadness behind my eyes. I could FEEL it too What another huge waste of money I used to tell myself.
By itself, none of the above is overtly abusive, it’s just a bit rubbish and inconsiderate really isn’t it, maybe a bit unfair but nothing to write home about. So why am I sharing it with you?
I’m sharing this because all of this has an affect. From the small and seemingly insignificant circumstances to the bigger, more obviously upsetting issues, they do all have an affect. Similar behaviours from other partners; intimate, business and professional, they all make an impact. You may start to internalise, blame it all on yourself and end up feeling undeserving of any acts of kindness, despite also feeling disappointed and even bitter when your hopes and dreams of things ever being different or getting better don’t materialise.
From a money perspective, you may start to regret your buying decisions and choices, because they are criticised. You may start to worry about wasting money because you get told off for doing so. You may start to question everything and even start to ask for permission to purchase things. Or you’ll go the other way and waste money on things as a way to try to spend your way out of the sadness and emptiness. Cue more self-deprecation and questioning of your choices. The vicious circle gathers apace and continues.
Is that at all how you feel? Or how you’ve felt in the past? The likelihood of those wounds still having an impact on you is high, especially if you’ve not done anything to unburden yourself of them. Talk therapy is great, but wounds like this stay in our body and most people never truly let go of these wounds without doing somatic work — which means physical body work and EFT Tapping is a very simple but extremely powerful form of this.
Money is so tied up with relationships and emotions it can be hard to separate the two. Sometimes, there’s little point doing so because BOTH have to be processed and healed in order to leave them behind and move forwards.
For example, when I think of Valentines Day, I also remember an old Boss I had who kept me in the office until about 8.30pm one Valentines on an ‘urgent project’ when I was supposed to be meeting my then boyfriend. I was ultra committed but couldn’t get out of it even if I’d wanted to, but what made it far worse is that I didn’t get the bonus and pay rise I had been led to believe I would receive on successful completion of the project, so all the extra work, going above and beyond felt like a real betrayal of trust and commitment. Again — such a huge link between money and emotions! Worst of all though, I didn’t get any thanks or appreciation. Money is only one part of it.
That’s why I adore the work I do. Money and emotions, wealth and relationships, all underpinned by different layers of trauma, from the mild, seemingly insignificant to the severe life changing stuff. Whether purely related to money or inextricably linked to betrayal and anger, sadness, loss and even grief, the breakdown of a relationship, business or personal, insolvency or divorce; believe it or not they are very similar things and can be treated in a very similar way. Now I still have the memories but they’ve lost their harmful power and I just feel neutral, even appreciative of the teaching they’ve given me. I want the same for you too. I want you to feel so at ease with who you are and where you are, that Valentines Day is no longer a big deal, but rather a day that can be filled with self-love, a love for yourself that you can truly receive and feel.
That’s why on my forthcoming Toxic Money Wounds Workshop I’m addressing BOTH the money and emotions related to let downs and lack. That’s all things toxic money wounds related, identifying and clearing issues around our relationship with money, but also recovering from relationship breakdowns, whether personal or professional, financial loss and even abuse and healing from the trauma of all of this.
Obviously Rome wasn’t built in a day; I’m not making a fake promise like so many do that this workshop alone will solve everything, but it will certainly be a great start! Whether one or some of the issues mentioned apply to you, I’m confident it will be an hour of your time well spent.