Why I had to let go of 999 people from my life……
OK so the 999 we’re email subscribers, those who’ve not read or responded to my emails for a long time (bear with me here)!
In terms of numbers I had a pretty decent email list, the kind of numbers that qualify you for certain events if you promise to share and send emails about them.
But here’s the lesson!
You see, what good was it holding on to those people when there was no benefit to them or me? Sometimes you just have to let people go to create the space for new, better things.
It’s the same when you go through a tricky divorce or break up. At some point, those people we thought were ‘true friends’ turn out not to be. They stop reaching out as much, stop showing up for us. Maybe they don’t respond to your cryptic social media posts that you know if you’d read yourself you’d have checked in and connected with them, because you care and you want to support them.
You appreciate they don’t understand what it’s like for you navigating this destructive breakup, but you can’t possibly tell them everything as you can’t risk being seen as the trouble maker, the s**t stirrer, being labelled as manipulating the situation so that YOU get the pity and/or support and not your ex.
In reality of course, all we want is the love and support we need when the going gets tough. The above scenario can play out in many different ways.
The ways our individual divorce and separation journeys play out are as similar but as unique as the experiences they lead us to, the trauma they give us and the growth and healing that is possible.
I myself had to cut out about 40 people following my separation, and more followed as things got worse rather than better two years later.
Surprise surprise, one of the reasons for all the conflict was yep, you’ve guessed it — M O N E Y!
Is it any wonder that divorce is one of the highest reasons for financial trauma!?!
A client of mine was feeling really frustrated and angry recently because they hadn’t had the opportunity to tell their side of the story, let alone been given the chance to counteract their ex’s wild claims that were being believed mainly because they had been heard first, mainly by people that knew him before her. There was no opportunity for these claims to have been challenged or defended and so those hearing them had backed away from my client.
My client felt a whole new round of grief, loss, betrayal and fear, accompanied by the confusing feelings of, ‘what have I done to deserve this?’
Cue more self flagellation, blame and helplessness, which then played into ‘proving’ the victim mentality he was telling anyone who would listen about.
For me personally if said ‘friends’ had just been honest about their feelings and dilemma, it would have been so much easier to part with understanding and respect, rather than being gaslit into believing it was my own shaky state of mind that had somehow scared them off, that I was being selfish for trying to let them know how tough I was finding things and that I was stuck in victimhood being inconsiderate to their own personal challenges.
Does that resonate with you too?
Of course you were doing nothing of the sort, you were just in such a mess yourself that your nervous system wouldn’t allow you to step out of fight, flight or freeze for any significant period of time.
So how did I help this client? As well as my training, having gone through similar experiences myself, I am able to understand completely the myriad of emotions that run through your mind when you’re at this stage in the process. The client shares only what they want to in order for them to feel safe, heard and validated and for me to take them through the right powerful healing process.
I sometimes share my own experiences if appropriate and invited to do so, as this helps the client to feel they are not alone, which is one of the most awful emotions when you’re going through this.
This is one of the things that differentiates me from more traditional therapy such as CBT where the therapist will never share anything remotely personal with the client as it is deemed unprofessional and is also viewed as an overstepping of boundaries to ask.
Trust me I don’t over share or ever process my own ‘stuff’ in these sessions. I’ve experienced being on the receiving end of that and it’s much less than ideal!
The other differentiator is that I won’t just tell the client to reframe or ‘think positive.’ That’s a pet hate of mine. Trauma and loss needs to be voiced, validated and not just masked over with a positive attitude.
This is where the Law Of Attraction, Growth or Positive Mindset and many other buzzwords that preach toxic positivity are NOT effective.
What happens when the client doesn’t have their therapist to help them to reframe?
What happens when they can’t be positive or just ‘reframe’ things? They try harder, fail harder, beat themselves up more and ultimately put a lid on the bubbling saucepan of pain, leaving it to erupt in the future, either by way of a massive breakdown or more subtly over time through anxiety, stress, addiction and unhealthy habits.
These put a long term, sometimes permanent scar on the mental and often physical health of a person. It affects not just them but their relationships, their family and professional life and their motivations to go after what the want in the world.
So you can see, I am passionate about dealing with, processing, releasing and healing from the REAL feelings you feel, not just getting you into a positive place temporarily from your current feelings, but identifying, treating and healing the core wounds that keep us stuck, as well as giving you the life long tools to identify and make sense of current and future triggers, and of course how to continue to process them and ultimately stop them ruling and ruining your life.
Of course once the deep healing work is done, it’s far easier to THEN step into the power of positivity and possibility in each session. My clients and I LOVE that every session ends on a high!
If you’re one of us who have lost friends and maybe even family members through your divorce or separation, please remember you are not alone, there’s people who get how upsetting and devastating that can be and there’s people who have come out stronger and more complete than they’ve ever been able to feel before. It’s not easy but it is possible.
I’m here to help you on that journey. Sign up to my new email list for more resources and details about my new group healing Divorce Recovery Programme and new book launch coming soon!
I look forward to serving you more deeply very soon.
P.S. Don’t forget to give me a clap and I’d love to hear your thoughts on this in the comments.
P.P.S. Sign up for my email list here to be sent resources and information on Divorce Recovery, especially when it comes to the financial trauma that is almost an inevitable part of the process