3 Months on……
3 months after I left……..
I have cried less in the last three months than I cried in a single block of two weeks over the last 18 months while I was with him.
I have a deeper connection with my children. I have understood their fears and frustrations better than before and I have implemented changes and made promises that this will continue and only get better.
I have had a deeper connection with my friends and have shared the most hilarious, fun and genuine nights out with them.
I have repaired a broken relationship with my Dad, from telling him the truth about how much him and my mum have hurt me in life, and how that has played a part (without blame) as to why I have always gone for men who I ‘think’ will look after me, be proud of me and who I will put up with being abused by.
I have had false hope from my ex-husband with regards to ‘getting on better now for the sake of the kids’ when I told him that my previous partner and I were no longer together.
I have had that hope shattered and have suffered yet again from the impact that has had on both myself and my children. I have laughed at how once again I could have been so stupid to believe the false words of a so called ‘man’ who ‘has my back.’
I have been triggered by absolute idiot men who have crossed lines that I am now hyper sensitive to. I have clarity that these are Trauma Responses that I am now so aware of that I have committed to doing whatever it takes to heal from.
I have experienced deep connection, love, care and trust from people I have only just met, who have shown me such kindness and support I have a whole new level of gratitude for them as well as my superstar friends and cousins who have been there for me a million per cent.
I have a greater connection with my dogs than ever before. I know they feel they had lost me and felt like they were a barrier between me and my relationship. They were, he was jealous of them. Dogs.
I have experienced a connection to my own self stronger than anything else I have experienced before.
I have worried myself at the amount of wine I have consumed and the amount of tolerance I seem to have sometimes built up to from it.
I have decided that life is too short to drink anything other than New Zealand Sauvignon and that this is all ok! I have accepted that this is temporary and have proved to myself that I can put a stop to it as easily as I decide to work out and run again now — doing both had become rare before but are now often.
I have experienced healing and re-connection with those who I was forced by my ex to cut contact with.
I have had my self gas-lighting from the rumours others chose to spread about me for their own entertainment obliterated. I have realised I no longer need to hide from the risk of others telling my children their version because honestly, that says far more about them than me.
I have realised that I am done with hiding and I am done with the shame. I am stronger than ever to be prepared to speak my truth as well as call out other people’s abuse and bullying behaviour if I am forced to.
I have the connections and resources to both protect and deal with any potential fall out with my children if people are so selfish they chose to try to involve them or use them against me or as a way of trying to get at me.
I have allowed myself to fall apart at the shock and realisation of what happened to me. I have recovered from the physical bruises and more importantly the emotional scars that I will wear with pride and as a reminder to continue to call shit out and create change where it is needed most.
I have realised that I have the resources and strength needed to build myself up again so that after the initial month long shock and trauma of finding out, realising and admitting the truth the last two months have made me happier and more grounded than deep down I think I’ve ever really been.
I have made 50% more sales in my business in the last three months after my business had stalled for 18 months. I have felt so much gratitude towards my business and my studies. After feeling like everything was against me, I have felt such a sense of the Universe having my back by sending me the clients who helped me wake up before I split with my ex. When you are coaching women to realise they are in a shit situation so they can make the right changes, it kind of highlights your own!
I have experienced insomnia from the happiness and excitement for my future, rather than the depression and fear that kept me awake in the past.
I have become happy and contented with myself and have celebrated that this is not related to any man or the excitement of a fake future with a lying, abusive, bullying arsehole.
So, Thank You, dear Ex! Thank you that despite everything you took from me and gave to me, you finally forced me to find my way back to my true self.